Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
