you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
