Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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