Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
