Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
