I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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