you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
