If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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