I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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