I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
