my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
