you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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