So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
