And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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