she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
