I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
