you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
