I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
