I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
