If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
