You're my little dorito
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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