I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your cock deserves a montage
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize