Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing