oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
