Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.