4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
