My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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