I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
