bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
