I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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