frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
