I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
