Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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