I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
there is puke in my bra ... again
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
