clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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