I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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