Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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