if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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