Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your dick twin last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
