Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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