ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This baby is an asshole
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
