you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I want her autograph on my taint
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.