the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.