Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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