At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
