I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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