You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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