Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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