Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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