Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
