Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
