Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.