i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.