Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while