YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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