Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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