i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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