I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
