Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
