do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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